So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
