Your face is a jimmy john
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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