Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
