I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
