Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
