New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
