You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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