Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
