i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
even my farts smell like vagina
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
