There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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