HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
