I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize