you guys were way drunker than both of me
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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