the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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