i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize