I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
