YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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