I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
