I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
