i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
