There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
