fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize