i was rollin on her like bob the builder
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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