Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
