I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
