Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
