my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
