Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
