First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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