i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
