My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
When are your genitals available?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
