was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
