That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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