So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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