I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
