My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
