This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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