checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
