is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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