then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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