Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
