Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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