do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I touched a dick in church today
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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