God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Never joke about your clitoris.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
