for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
