i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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