the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Randomize