that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
