The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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