I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
