Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
