i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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