She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
