Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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