Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
