There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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