totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
